This video is not meant to be taken seriously,
and it’s intent is humourous, so things have been distorted and exaggerated to hopefully
make them funnier. I do not condone or promote the use of drugs or speed glue. It’s just
supposed to be a funny video that serious table tennis players can appreciate, so my
apologies if it offends. Welcome to Sports Interrogation. Tonight we
have a special edition of Crazy Comparisons for your viewing pleasure. Over to you Lucy. Thanks Paul. As regular viewers would already
know, in Crazy Comparisons we take one sport and one industry and look at the strange similarities
between the two. Our subjects for comparison tonight are the sport of table tennis vs the
illegal drug trade. Wow, that does sound pretty crazy Lucy. That’s right Paul. You would think that the
wholesome pastime of ping-pong couldn’t be further away from the seedy, sinister world
of illegal drug trafficking, but when we started to investigate we discovered a number of troubling
similarities between the two. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Or just crazy? Let’s get on with
the show and you viewers can decide for yourselves. We have a member of the illegal drug trade
standing by in a secret studio location, and of course he has requested anonymity, under
the code name Lance. Interestingly enough, the representative for table tennis has also
requested anonymity, under the code name Eve. As in previous episodes of Crazy Comparisons,
we will let the industry representative speak first, and then provide the sporting comparison. Let’s cross to our secret studio location.
Lance? Eve? Are you with us? Hearing you loud and clear, Lucy. Nice to be here, Paul. Let’s begin with a little bit of general information.
Lance, can you start us off? In the drug trade, we call our drugs “gear”,
research new drugs in laboratories, manufacture them in factories, and sell them via dealers. In table tennis, we call our equipment gear,
research new equipment in laboratories, manufacture them in factories, and sell them via dealers. Our customers won’t publicly admit that they
use drugs. Our players won’t publicly admit that they
play the sport. We have many more recreational drug users
than hard drug users. Most recreational users don’t get hooked on hard drugs. We have many more recreational players than
serious players. Most recreational players don’t get hooked on serious table tennis. Clients who can’t stop buying new gear are
called junkies. Players who can’t stop buying new gear are
called equipment junkies. We sell our products at inflated prices, but
our customers are still desperate to buy them anyway. Our manufacturers often sell their products
at inflated prices, but their fans are still desperate to buy them anyway. We often target schools for new customers. We often target schools for new players. In drugs we have special terminology, such
as hit, crack, smack, speed, joints and baggies. In table tennis we have special terminology, such as
hit, crack, smack, speed glue, points and sandbaggers. That’s enough general background. Can you
give us some information about your products? No problem Paul. Using illegal drugs make
you feel good and all powerful, but when the drugs wear off, you need another dose. Using boosters and tuners makes your rubber
feel good and all powerful, but when the booster wears off, you need another dose. There are many legal drugs, such as alcohol
and nicotine, that are possibly worse than some of the banned drugs, like marijuana. There are many legal factory tuners that are
possibly worse than some of our banned boosters, like paraffin oil. The government banned many drugs for health
reasons. The ITTF banned speed glues and boosters for
health reasons. Many of the drugs that are illegal today were
legal long ago, and could be bought over the counter. Many of the speed glues and boosters that
are illegal today were legal long ago, and could be bought over the counter from a bicycle
repair shop. There are new, more powerful versions of drugs
coming out all the time. This is dangerous for people’s health. There are new, more powerful versions of rubbers
and blades coming out all the time. This is dangerous for the sport’s health. Now that we understand your products better,
let’s move on to the topic of law enforcement. What do you have to say about that, Lance? There aren’t enough police and DEA people
to enforce the laws properly and stamp out illegal drugs. There aren’t enough umpires to enforce the
laws properly and stamp out illegal serves. Many people feel that the government is losing
the war on drugs, and is unable to enforce the current laws. They are calling for the
laws to be changed to something more sensible. Many of our players feel that the ITTF is
losing the war on boosters and tuners, and is unable to enforce the current laws. They
are calling for the laws to be changed to something more sensible. Authorities often turn a blind eye to drug
usage by celebrities. The ITTF often turns a blind eye to boosting
by professionals. Sounds like everybody’s a loser here. Let’s
close off the show with some discussion on the topic of distributing your products. Take
it away Lance. We strictly enforce different prices in different
locations, and don’t allow dealers to sell in another dealer’s territory. Some of our manufacturers strictly enforce
different prices in different locations, and don’t allow dealers to sell in another dealer’s
territory. We often have rival gang wars with deadly
shootouts. We often have brand wars between manufacturers
and some pretty hurtful comments are made. The Chinese make many of the illegal drugs,
and the triads control much of the drug trade. The Chinese make much of our equipment, and
their teams dominate the sport at professional level. There are backyard drug labs everywhere, counterfeit
drugs all around, and only celebrities get the really good stuff. There are players boosting with baby oil in
their backyards everywhere, counterfeit equipment all around, and only pros get the really good
stuff. Thanks for watching tonight’s Crazy Comparison
between the illegal drug trade and table tennis. What do you think viewers, Coincidence or
Conspiracy? As per usual, we’ll leave the final say up
to you the audience, you can voice your opinion using the hashtag #SpinNotSpeed That’s all from the team here at Sports Interrogation.
And remember boys and girls, whether it is illegal drugs or boosting in table tennis
– Just say no!

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Dennis Veasley

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