[indistinct audio] – NO! [audience ohs]
– OH! REJECTED!
[laughter] MAYBE HE SHOULD JUST BE ONE
OF THOSE INDOOR KIDS THAT READS. MAYBE MOLLY MAIDS THERE
WILL HELP CLEAN UP YOUR FACE. [laughter]
THAT DOESN’T LOOK VERY HARD. I WANT TO TRY.
SCORE. DO YOU WANT ME TO HONESTLY TELL
YOU HOW MANY TIMES THAT TOOK? – YEAH.
– ONE. YOU NEVER SEE RICH PEOPLE WITH
TRAMPOLINES. [laughter]
IT’S LIKE AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL. IT’S JUST NOT AN UPSCALE
PIECE OF LAWN FURNITURE. HEY, AT LEAST THEY SPRUNG
FOR THE SAFETY NET. WHAT COULD GO WRONG? WELL, HERE’S ONE THING
THAT COULD GO WRONG. THE KIDS COULD START
DOUBLE-BOUNCING THE [bleep]
OUT OF EACH OTHER. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW
WHAT A DOUBLE-BOUNCE IS, IT’S THE TRAMPOLINE EQUIVALENT
OF A SPEEDBALL. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW
WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS, IT’S WHAT KILLED JOHN BELUSHI. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW
WHO JOHN BELUSHI IS, HE’S JIM BELUSHI’S BROTHER. FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO DON’T KNOW WHO JIM IS, HE’S THE GUY
FROM ACCORDING TO JIM. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN’T
WATCH ACCORDING TO JIM, CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, WOW, IS HE UP THERE. SOMEBODY JUST CAUGHT FIRE
NBA JAM STYLE. SAVOR THE MOMENT, SCOTTY SKILES,
‘CAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO TURN SOUR. [audience oohs] THAT’S A TECHNICAL FOUL.
GET OFF THE RIM. YEAH, SUCK IT, VINCE CARTER.
DANGLING BY YOUR ELBOW? DOESN’T SEEM LIKE
SUCH A BIG DEAL ANYMORE. – AHH!
– MMM. IT HURTS TO HEAR. THIS IS WHERE HE
AND HIS TORN ACL COULD LEARN A LESSON
FROM SASHA. JUST DISTRIBUTE THE BALL,
SET SOME SCREENS, AND DRAW DEFENDERS
OUT OF THE LANE SO REAL PLAYERS
CAN PUT ON A SHOW. – [whimpering] – AND WHY IS HE CRYING
LIKE NANCY KERRIGAN? YOU’RE WHITE.
YOU DON’T GET TO DUNK. BY HAVING GIRLS PLAY THEM. I DON’T MEAN THE WNBA.
I MEAN GIRL GIRLS. THERE’S LINGERIE FOOTBALL,
FOXY BOXING, AND STRIPPER GOLF. BUT LADIES HAVE NOTHING
TO MASTURBATE TO WHILE THEY WATCH SPORTS,
AND IN MY BOOK, THAT’S SEXIST. THAT’S WHY I CREATED
THE INTER-SHOWBIZ BOTTOMLESS BASKETBALL LEAGUE. – [groans] [cheers and applause] – IT’S ALWAYS TOUGH PLAYING
AGAINST THE CAST OF TREME. FINALLY,
BY NOW EVERYONE KNOWS INSTEAD OF WINNING BASKETBALL
GAMES THE HONORABLE WAY, ARIZONA STATE CREATED
THE CURTAIN OF DISTRACTION TO SCREW WITH THE OPPOSING TEAM
WHILE THEY’RE TAKING FOUL SHOTS. [LAUGHS]
YEAH, THAT’S INNOCENT ENOUGH, BUT THEN THEY STARTED
TO GET A LITTLE PERSONAL.>>YOUR TEST RESULTS ARE IN. YOU HAVE HODGKIN’S
AND NON-HODGKIN’S AND HERPES! YOU GOT THE HERP!>>HODGKIN’S AND NON-HODGKIN’S
CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT. THIS NEXT ONE I THOUGHT
WAS REALLY SCARY.>>[LAUGHS] HOO!
YOU CAN’T RID OF THE BABADOOK. YEAH! NOBODY CAN GET RID
OF THE BABADOOK. WHOO!>>YOU DON’T MESS
WITH THE BABADOOK. THAT’S JUST IRRESPONSIBLE. THIS ONE WAS
A DOWNRIGHT TEARJERKER.>>THERE HE IS. THERE’S MY DADDY
AT THE FREE THROW LINE. PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING
AND RAISE ME.>>IS THAT A MIXED BABY?
YOU GIVE ME THAT MIXED BABY. I WILL HAPPILY RAISE HIM. I’M NOT GONNA LIE, I FOUND THIS
NEXT ONE A LITTLE OFFENSIVE.>>EINS, ZWEI, DREI, VIER.
I DECLARE A THUMB WAR.>>AH, JESUS!>>COME ON ADOLF, NOBODY [BLEEP]
WITH THE JESUS! AND THEN, JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THEY COULDN’T BE
ANY MORE DISTRACTING, YOU HEARTLESS MONSTERS GO
AND DO THIS.>>WE’VE GOT YOUR MOM!
READ THIS.>>”MISS THE FREE
THROW, PLEASE.”>>KEEP UP THOSE BRUTAL TACTICS,
ASU, AND YOU MAY ACTUALLY GET OFF
THAT NIT BUBBLE. WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO TRAP
MEN BY GETTING PREGNANT. WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE RUINING
YOUR BODY PERMANENTLY SEEMS LIKE
A GUARANTEED WAY TO MAKE SURE
I DON’T STICK AROUND. BUT THIS NEXT GIRL’S PRANK
TAKES IT A LITTLE TOO FAR.>>HI. SORRY. I’M ANDREA. UM, DO YOU NOT
RECOGNIZE ME AT ALL? YOUR BOYFRIEND GOT ME PREGNANT, AND HE’S GONNA
HELP ME OUT WITH IT. HE GOT ME PREGNANT AT A PARTY. ARE YOU GONNA
HELP ME AT ALL OR…>>YEAH, OF COURSE.
HEY, I GOT YOU.>>NOT FUNNY. A GIRL TRIED THE PREGNANT
BASKETBALL PRANK ON ME ONCE, OH, BUT I THINK
I HANDLED IT PRETTY WELL.>>HEY, THIS IS YOURS.
YOU GOT ME PREGNANT.>>ARE YOU SURE?>>I’M SURE.
>>I’M SORRY, HONEY. I HAVE TO DO THE RIGHT THING.>>[GIGGLES]
>>WHAT?>>WHO’S THE BABY?
YOU SEE THE DOGGY? PEDAL! PEDAL! PEDAL! PEDAL!
DUNK IT! YAY! I REMEMBER MY PROM.
ALL RIGHT, ONE LAST PHOTO. I COULDN’T BE MORE PROUD OF YOU,
SON. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] SHORTLY AFTER THAT…
I’M SORRY. HE ROLLED INTO THE STREET
AND WAS HIT BY A CAR. NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE
TO BURY THEIR BASKETBALL. OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
BEFORE I GO, I HAVE ONE LAST QUESTION:
WOULD YOU RATHER?

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Dennis Veasley

82 thoughts on “March Sadness: Basketball Season on Tosh.0”

  1. All cable channels need dropped, Sorry Viacom. Netflix, hulu, and amazon prime for more content at your own time for less money.

  2. I have no sympathy for VIACOM that owns Comedy Central and MTV. They sued YouTube back in the day over Copyright claims and almost killed YouTube. For all I care VIACOM can go die in a hole. Cable is dead and it was killed by Amazon prime, Hulu, Netflix, YouTube plus other streaming services.

  3. No NIT for ASU this year, that curtain must be working.
    ASU to made the NCAA tournament this year while Arizona stayed home. LOL

  4. I remember losing my basketball at the park 5 year ago he’ll be 12 now if someone see it please report if you find black blue ball with CS initials on the left side

  5. This is one guy who I thought would go out on his own terms. 10 years of this show? Really? It’s not 2013 anymore Tosh, give it up already.

  6. How a parent bury their basketball not the other way around?
    The cops shot the ball. The cops shot — the cops shot ball just to hear it hiss. Aaaaah!

  7. Dan loves to suck the balls. Testicles. He’s a cock sucker. He puts dicks in his mouth. He pleasures penis.

  8. If you’re going to speak German (or a different language) then at least learn the Correct pronunciation… Especially when it were only Four numbers spoken.

    V’s are pronounced as F’s… und
    W’s as V’s

  9. Comedy Central, it may appear to you that not responding to Jim Jeffries being exposed by Avi Yemeni is the best course of action, and that if you ignore it, it will go away.

    However given the current swing in public sentiment of towards the media after the Mueller report, this may be a good juncture to remove your personal biases and those of your investors from your public platform, your constant flogging of the political dead horse is going to entrench the narratives of the people that your are constantly trying to demonize.

    And I assure you you will regret your inaction on dealing with this matter.

    What you constantly demand of those whose views oppose yours will be demanded of you.

  10. Comedy Central, PLEASE DUMP DIRECT TV. Go to Netflix or Hulu!! People are dropping DIRECT TV like it's a hot potato and now they want to raise the monthy plans by $50. Comedy Central, YOU DO NOT NEED DIRECT TV.

  11. Comedy Central needs to fire Jim Jefferies for slandering Islam and joking about murdering Muslim babies. He edited his videos to make himself look like a great person but in reality he is a hateful bigot. Avi got you Jim.. just give it up already and quit. This isn't going away! We want accountability now!!

  12. Jim Jeffries: Rules for thee but not for me

    Comedy Central: Let’s pretend he didn’t just do that

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