♪♪ (morning announcer)
It’s Monday and that means the big game
against Galveston is just a few days away. We’re praying that new guy,
Coach Thompson, is getting our
Bronconeers ready for combat. You the new football
coach down at the high school? Yes, sir.
Coach Thompson. This is my wife, Amy. Hey, y’all. Coach Crawford
was like family. You got some
big shoes to fill. We sure love our
football around here, more than anything. My wife baked you
up a pecan crumb. Bronconeers. Ain’t it good
to be the coach? (wine splashing) Woo! ♪ She could get it
all night ♪ ♪ Night, night, night,
night, night, night ♪ ♪ She could get it ♪♪ (radio switches off) Now, I’m not sure
what you heard about me, but I do things
a little different than y’all are used to
here in Stewford Heights. This season, we’re gonna
be the first team in the county to run
a no-huddle offense. You don’t like that? You can just look at my 14-2
record Northeast last year. Second, we do
two-a-days every day. Mm-hmm. And third, now, I just need you
go to with me on this one. (marker screeching) (boy)
No raping? But coach, we play football. My team, my rules.
You don’t like it, don’t let the door rape
you on the way out. (clipboard slamming on floor) Can we rape
at away games? What if it’s Halloween and she’s dressed
like a sexy cat? What if she thinks
it’s rape (Coach Thompson)
Still no. What about,
like, a sexy ladybug? Mm. (disappointed sighing) A ghost? What about a sexy owl? (bell ringing) Sexy Transformer? What if my mom
is the D.A. and won’t prosecute? Can I rape? No, you cannot. (disappointed sighing) What if she’s drunk
and has a slight reputation and no one’s
gonna believe her? Okay. The girl said yes to me
the other day, but it was
about something else. No. What if the girl said yes but then she changes her
mind out of nowhere, like a crazy person. You gotta stop. No, you gotta stop! (boys)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Hey! (boy)
Where did that come from? (woman)
Hey. You’re that new coach
who don’t like raping. (woman 2)
How are our boys supposed to
celebrate when they win? Or blow off steam
if they lose? (hocking a loogie, spitting) That’s not very
neighborly, ladies. These folks,
that’s just their way, okay? You can’t bring a wet mule
around a hot corn oven. Right? How about just backing off this
whole no raping thing for now? We’ve been through
this a million ti– I know we’ve been
through it and I know we have a daughter, okay? I know that and I love her,
but I am so tired. I don’t know why,
but I am, you know? (sighing) (knocking on door) Hey, Coach, um. Can I come in? Sure. Uh, I’m sorry to bother
you at home, Coach, but you’re the closest thing
I ever had to a dad and I just wanna,
you know, ask. Go ahead, son. But, like, what if someone
else is raping her, right, and I’m just, like,
filming it on my phone? No, no, it’s still a no.
You’re just as guilty, but you already
knew that, right? (laughing) (splashing) ♪♪ (sports announcer)
The Bronconeers are taking
a beating out there. Oh, we got a hard hit on
Cunningham and he is down. It’s pretty severe. Just give it to me
straight, Doc. Will my boy
ever rape again? Afraid not. It’s okay.
It’s okay. It’s okay. (sports announcer)
Bronconeers are really feeling
Cunningham’s loss. They’re down 15 points. (whistle blowing) We should not
be losing this game. Dugan, what the hell were
you thinking out there on that last
play, son? I was– I was
thinking about raping. God damn it. (crashing, rattling) How do I get through to you boys
that football isn’t about rape? It’s about violently dominating
anyone that stands between you
and what you want. Now, you gotta get yourself
into the mindset that you are gods and you are
entitled to this. (boy)
Yeah! That other team,
they ain’t just gonna lay down (boy)
No! You gotta go out
there and take it. (all cheering) Now let’s get out there. (boys)
Yeah. Clear eyes. Full hearts. (all)
Don’t rape! (indistinct shouting) Woo! Yeah. Ain’t it good
to be the coach? I love you, baby.

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Dennis Veasley

100 thoughts on “Inside Amy Schumer – Football Town Nights”

  1. It's really a damn shame that this sketch doesn't have three billion views, instead of three million. So many people need to see this.

  2. This is about rape, but also just a but about every football movie about the coach trying to make change. SO FUNNY! the wife is so on point

  3. Then there was the ever present football player rapist, they were all in love with dyin' they were doin' it in texas.

  4. if i was 15 years younger i would be walking around my mum's house with a full glass of wine and waving my arms from side to side pretending to be southern amy. endless fun.

  5. Does no one in this section know this is also making fun of Friday Night Lights? Granted, the raping part is a bit more dominant in its satire. Funny as fuck though.

  6. The crazy thing is that the speech he told the players at the end is the reason why they feel entitled to rape women. "Football is about violently dominating anyone that stands between you and what you want. You got to get yourselves into the mindset that you are gods and you're entitled to this. That other team isn't just going lay down and give it to you, you have to go out there and take it." Literally the direct mindset that lead to men (and especially athletes) thinking that they are owed sex from girls. Amy and her writers are so brilliant. They did such a good job with this sketch.

  7. These aren't rape jokes. These are football player jokes. The football players or football culture are the punchline. Rape jokes would be making fun of rape or the victims. Just more feminist bs where they go out of their way to make fun of men but claim they are fair and in favor of equality.

  8. And now the Republicans are going to confirm a serial rapist to the Supreme Court. Maybe there really is a rape culture in the United States after all.

  9. As important and topical as I think this is, I think it loses some points with Amy making it. Didn't she like drug some guy to sleep with him? Is that not wrong too?
    Like I said, the message here is very important (and delivered in a very funny way), but I just wish it was coming from someone else…

  10. Reminds me of that Missouri girl whose house was burned down and who was chased out of town after she reported her rape.

  11. She’s from rvc she grew up the town next to me and used to hang out with the same people.. she was a hoe big time

  12. I payed football in HS and there was rape everywhere, it was the gayest craziest shit. Fuck football the principal protected rapist's

  13. i know the main joke is the rape but the way the wine glass gets bigger each scene shes in i die

  14. The glass just kept getting bigger and bigger the last one was so big she didn't even have to drink it she just got loaded residually due to proximity LOL and what do you know she seem to have enough for two LOL

  15. I don’t find it funny but that’s just me I don’t like football and rape in the same sentence because I love the sport too much

  16. There acting like unheard of that rape is bad. Everyone fucking knows this. Like this skit is dumb. There’s no point or need for it

  17. Lol almost every crime show I've seen has had a football rape video with the coach as a dad figure… Hope it actually isn't a thing though…

  18. This was hilarious! Stop taking offense. It's knocking the Football players, not the men and women being raped

  19. So….this is "brilliant" because the "perpetrator" is the punchline? Ok so how about alcoholism? That's ok to mock because rape is worse than alcoholism? Well thank God intersectionality clears that up. Mocking small-town midwestern culture is OK too, because … no one likes them I guess?

    Apart from all that this was just unfunny, as someone who loves comedy in all forms it took me a minute to figure out why this just didn't work for me.

    See, this might be funny to someone on the outside looking in because you all cannot conceptualize or understand the group you are mocking – in this case and you have a totally warped view of the motives and motivations of some group of people, in this case high school athletes. But you are the only audience that this skit speaks to.

    Its like when someone says of people only oppose illegal immigration because they hate brown people or oh people like seeing brown people shot by cops. NO, thats asinine. You are attributing motives to people that are just so far from reality that it boggles the mind and it reveals your failure to understand you fellow man more than the people to whom you ascribe this fked up motive.

    That's why these lefty only jokes fall flat, a joke must present an objective truth. Average people wouldn't find this skit funny not because they take offense in that Schumer scored a direct hit on our secret love of rape, not because Schumer revealed some deep truth and we are unsettled by it. No she didn't pull the face off some suburban evil and we are all skittering for the darkness!

    No, this skit is unfunny because in the shared experience of average people everywhere, we don't see average teenage kids playing a competitive sport as a gang of rapists on the prowl. It's not a defensive harumph, it's a collective "huh? wtf?"

    You might cite anecdotal cases of football team rape, but that proves the point. Those cases are prominent and outrageous because they are outliers i.e. because groups of football players gang raping some poor girl are exceedingly rare.

    And if you are to blame anything its group psychology and that alcoholism thing that this video mocked with the throw-away gag.

    I will give Amy Schumer credit for one thing on this though, it was a refreshing change to see her make a joke that didn't involve her self referencing her dirtiness or her female parts.

  20. i watched this video years ago and never understood. i watched this video 4 years later and understood because i am a victim. how do you let a comedian woman or man get away with making jokes around sexual abuse.

  21. This is football boys not the catholic church we ain't go allow no raping round here. Any of those priest been put in jail yet??????

  22. Genius, again Amy Schumer and team. Thank you for putting words on the madness of broken masculinity. I wish males all the strength they need to become real men

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